Wonka's Hell Factory
by PatsFan1
Summary: Decided to do something completely non-Bleach related, involving candy, and lots of it. Also involves Attack on Titan, Akame ga Kill, and Parasyte. Because potatoes.


I. A Reference in the Chapter Title? You Must be Full of Good Ideas.

"Er, still no good! OK, next one, number 1,971! I'm feeling lucky!" Mako Mankanshoku grabbed another chocolate bar. "Mako, for God's sake, can we give it a rest?" asked her dark-haired companion. "Aw, c'mon Ryuko, this has to be it, I can feel it in my gut!" "You've been saying that about the last 300 bars, if you haven't found one of those freaking tickets yet, you probably won't anytime soon. Now c'mon, even Sis' bank account isn't bottomless, and she's probably figured out where her credit card is by now." "Nuh-uh, no way! Free candy and a lifetime supply of chocolate is within my grasp, I can feel it!"

Ryuko grabbed the chocolate bar. "OK, let me put it this way, out of the millions of these things around the world, there's only five with tickets like this one, right? So what're the OHHHHHHHHHHH shit." Ryuko held a golden ticket. Mako gasped. "OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH-" "OK, OK, calm down, it could just be a prank, y'know? Might just be a fake-out or-hoooo boy, nope, this is the real deal." "You're taking me with you, right?!" "Hell I was gonna give it to ya and let Mr. Mikisugi or Gamagori take ya, I don't want any-" "YOU'RE COMING WITH." "Ya can't force me to-"

Days later, Mako and an annoyed Ryuko stood in front of a large building. "Are ya sure this was even a good idea, Mako?" "Why wouldn't it be?" "Well, this Wonka dude seems kinda suspicious, what with just inviting random people to his presumably dark factory to 'sample' 'candy'. Could be a pedo, for all we know. Using candy bars to trap people in his twisted web of sex games. Ya wanna end up as the candyman's _LOVE SLAVE_ , Mako-?" Mako, completely ignoring what Ryuko was saying, was staring in awe at the large factory. Ryuko sighed. "Wonder who else got suckered into this?"

Two girls in their late teens walked over, both wearing brown military-style jackets. The taller one had brown hair in a ponytail, while her Asian companion had short black hair and a red scarf. "Uhhh, hey, Mikasa, this is the place, right?" asked the taller one. "It's the address on the ticket, right?" "Yeah..." "Then why wouldn't it be the place?" "I'm just asking, sheesh...oh, almost forgot!" The tall girl took out a potato. "Really, Sasha? A trip to a candy factory and you bring a _potato_?" "I'm hungry, OK?!" "Good grief...I'm only here because you owed me a favor, anyway. You'd have swallowed that blasted ticket if I didn't notice." "Oh, stop being a grump. What else would you be doing right now, anyway? Peeking through Eren's window like you do every-" Mikasa performed an Irish whip to Sasha, knocking her to the ground.

Ryuko watched in silence. "Uhhhhh...hi." "Hi." responded Mikasa. "Um, you busy there?" "Just dealing with a buffoon. Nothing substantial." "Don't need to lecture me on that." Just then, a dark-haired girl wearing a dark shirt, dark skirt and red tie walked over. With her was a boy with brown, messy hair wearing a light jacket. "This is the place." said the girl. "Looks creepy as all hell." responded her companion. "Then again, we're used to more messed-up things than this, right Akame-" Akame was ignoring what he was saying, instead eating from the large supply of candy she was holding." "What the-where've you been hiding all that?!" Akame ignored him. "You do know you'll be getting more for free in there, right?!" "Doesn't mean I can't have some right now, Tatsumi." "Oh for-can you just put it away for now?" "*sigh* Yes, _mooooom_."

Ryuko watched. "I don't think I need to ask who found the ticket, do I?" she asked. "You mean it's not obvious?" responded Tatsumi. "By the way, what's wrong with her?" He pointed to Sasha, still lying on the ground. "Sleeping." answered Mikasa. "Actually, I'm still awa-" Sasha began to respond, only for Akame to suddenly appear standing on top of her. "Yow!" "You there." said Akame, staring at Mikasa. "Yes?" "Love the scarf." "Thanks. Love the tie." "Thanks. Is that rage and anger I see in your eyes?" "The kind built by years of seeing the most depraved things imaginable? Yes." "We should totally hang out after this." "We totally should." "Oh God, that's my spleen~!" yelled Sasha.

Ryuko looked increasingly confused, as Mako continued ogling the massive structure in the background. Tatsumi stood next to her. "Starting to think this was a bad idea?" he asked. " _Starting_?" responded Ryuko. Minutes later, a brown-haired young man in a school blazer walked over. "Um, hi. Is this the candy place?" "Mmhmm." responded Ryuko bluntly. "Okay then. I'm Shinichi." "Hey there. I'm Ryuko. So, here by your lonesome?" "Uh, no, actually. It's complicated, but I'm supervising the one who actually found the ticket..." "And where're they at?" "Well, uh..."

Shinichi's hand extended and suddenly grew a face. "Right here." the hand said. "Gah, Migi! Couldn't you've waited until I explained what's going on?!" "She asked who found the ticket and where they were, so I responded. It's called manners, Shinichi." Ryuko and Tatsumi were stunned. "His hand...just extended..." muttered Ryuko. "And...it talks..." added Tatsumi. Mikasa appeared suddenly next to them. "Please. We've all seen more bizarre things on our good days." she said bluntly. She walked over to Shinichi. "Is this thing annoying you?" "Wha-? N-no, he really isn't..." "I can take care of it, if you so choose. My specialty is removing limbs." "That _REALLY_ isn't necessary-"

The door to the factory began opening slowly, much to everyone's surprise. Everybody looked on (Akame and Mako both with mouths full of candy) at two glowing eyes peering out of the shadowy opening. "Hello there, children..." said a voice from inside the factory. The source of the voice emerged from the shadows.

He was a tall man, wearing a purple suit and top hat, as Willy Wonka was known to possess. His skin was grey, though, and he wore orange sunglasses, had shoulder-length black hair, and bore a large, menacing grin. His teeth more closely resembled fangs. He was carrying a cane, the top of which bore the shape of a bat. "Welcome to the candy shop, boys and girls..."

Mako popped up from behind Ryuko. "OHMIGOSH IT'S THE JOHNNY DEPP VERSION!" she exclaimed. "I feel ripped off." said Mikasa.

"So, kids, are you prepared to enter my world of sunshine, and magic, and rainbows, and piss, and blood, and crushed hope and...I'm getting really sidetracked here, who's ready for candy?!" "ME!" yelled Mako as she ran inside. "Hey, save some for the rest of us!" yelled Sasha as she bolted in after. The others followed suit. "Shinichi." said Migi. "Hm? What's up?" "I'm getting a strange feeling from that man." "Really? Are you saying he's a parasyte?" "No, it's not that. There's just something...off about his aura. I can't say for certain, but that man is clearly abnormal." "Well, they say he's really eccentric. Maybe it's all part of his charm. But...maybe keeping up our guard isn't that bad of an idea. I'll keep an eye out for anything suspicious." "Hmm...perhaps you're right. And agreed, we can never be too careful."

"Maybe Migi's overthinking this a bit." thought Shinichi. "Still...I've got that same feeling...like something's not 100% right here..." The candy man looked on as everyone else walked, and smirked that same smirk.

Elsewhere, a dark-skinned woman with glasses and long blonde hair sat at a desk, with a frustrated look on her face. In the room was her butler, who had dark hair in a ponytail and wore a monocle. "Walter...where is he?" said the woman. "Sir Integra, I don't know where-" "Walter." "Madam, I don't-" "Where." "I-" "Is." "I said that I-" "Alucard?"

After a brief moment, Walter responded. "He...he said he was taking the Police Girl...and going for a walk..."

" _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_ "

Integra screamed in anger as elsewhere, the candy man watched as the factory doors closed, and laughed evily.

II. Night of the Living Chocolate

The group walked along until they reached a large door made entirely of chocolate. "Somebody takes their job a bit too seriously..." said Ryuko. "So, how do we get through? Are we supposed to eat our way through it?" asked Tatsumi. "I mean granted, Akame could probably do it herself given enough time..." Akame responded by glaring intensely at Tatsumi. Suddenly, the candy man appeared in front of the group. "No need." he said. "I've got a process for this..." "And what's that, eating the whole thing yourself?" asked Tatsumi. " _INTERRUPT ME AGAIN, KINGDOM HEARTS! SEE WHAT HAPPENS!_ " growled the candy man.

The candy man stood in front of the door for a moment. Suddenly, the shadows rose up around him, with much of the shadows taking the form of bats. He leapt into the air. Marracca music began playing. "First I whip it out!" The candy man began launching the bats into precise spots on the door. "Then I thrust it! With great force!" He began making poses. "Every angle...!" More poses. "It penetrates...!" He moved about the air, continuing to launch shadow bats. "Until finally, with great strength..." He grabbed his cane. "...I _RAM IT IN!_ " He threw the cane into the center of the door. He landed, stylishly, and rose back up, with a rose in his mouth. "In the end..." He clapped twice, and the bats exploded, and the door fell apart, the lone standing part resembling a giant heart. "...we are all satisfied..." He took the rose, and threw it daintily at the cane. "...and you are set free." The rose hit the cane, causing the heart to break in half.

The candy man walked over and retrieved his cane. "Hm?" He looked over at the group, who all looked on in shock. "Oh, come on. We haven't even gotten to the _really_ weird shit, yet." He continued walking, whistling to himself. The group was silent. Then, Ryuko's sailor uniform transformed into its battle form. "Senketsu! What's the big idea?" asked Ryuko. "I have the weirdest boner right now." answered Senketsu. "Is she uh...talking to her clothes?" asked Sasha. "What a weirdo." responded Migi.

Soon after, the group arrived at a river consisting completely of chocolate. Mako and Sasha looked on in whimsical awe. "God, we're gonna be so fat after this." said Ryuko. As they looked around, "I'm on a Boat" by The Lonely Island began playing. They looked over and saw the candy man standing on a ferry. "Come on, come on, you're not getting any younger, y'know." he said.

The group got onto the boat. Tatsumi grovelled. "What's wrong, Tatsumi?" asked Akame. "Uggh, I'm not looking forward to this, I get boatsick really easily..." answered Tatsumi. "Hang on, take this..." Akame handed him a small pill, which he promptly took. Mako was leaning overboard trying to get the chocolate. "Mako, get back up here! You're gonna end up as this weirdo's next product if you're not careful!" said Ryuko as she tried yanking Mako back up. Mako bairly budged and continued eating the chocolate. "So immature." muttered Mikasa. She turned and saw that Sasha was also leaning overboard. "Surprised: Nobody." deadpanned Mikasa.

"Everybody all cozy?" asked the candy man, ignoring the girls leaning overboard. "Perfect. Now, let's get jiggy with it!" He started up the boat and it began moving along. Tatsumi clutched his stomach. "Oof, I'm feelin' a bit funny..." "Boatsick?" asked Akame. "No, not that...I can't put my finger on it, but I'm feeling reaaaaally weird..." Akame searched her pockets before realizing something. "Uh-oh..." "'Uh-oh'? What's 'uh-oh' mean?" "Tatsumi...I think I may have given you _birth control_..." "WHAT?!"

Ignoring the panicking Tatsumi, the candy man began to sing to himself.

"Come with me and you'll be  
In a world of pure evisceration  
Take a look and you'll see  
Into your obliteration

We'll begin with a spin  
Suffering in the world  
Of my creation  
What you'll bleed  
Will defy explanation

If you want to view paradise  
I'll be the one to send you to it  
Anyone I want, I'll screw 'em  
Wanna shag the world?  
Don't forget your condom

There is no life I know  
To escape from  
Pure evisceration  
Seeing it, you'll say 'crud'  
'I've never bled so much of my blood'

If you want to view paradise  
I'll be the one to send you to it  
And if I want, I'll rant  
Can you change the world?  
No, no you really can't

There is no life I know  
That I'll spare from  
Pure evisceration  
Living now? You won't be  
The Crimson Fucker, that'd be me"

The group was silent. "What the hell was that?" asked Ryuko. "I dunno, and this might just be the pills talking, but it's making me _super_ emotional right now!" said a somewhat weepy Tatsumi. "Yeah, this guy is either a lunatic...or just really weird." thought Shinichi.

III. Revenge of the Nerds

The boat soon docked. The candy man approached the door. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna open this one with innuendo. That's coming with next month's upgrades, but until then I've gotta stick to the boring-ass buttons..." The door opened, and the group walked in. Inside, there was a varied assortment of different-colored, rock-like creatures, with tiny appendages but no visible faces. "What the heck are these?" asked Ryuko. "These are the NerdsTM!" answered the candy man.

HALLELUJAH

"Now hold on a second!" yelled Mako as a spotlight shined down on her. She began speaking rapidly. "Last I checked NerdsTM are supposed to be these tiny little rock things! Those things aren't tiny and they've got arms and legs and it looks like they're talking without mouths and they're really weird and stuff! Candy doesn't talk, so how do ya explain that Mr. Candy Man, huh?! Huh?!"

By the time she finished, the candy man had vanished. "I hadn't gotten to mention the process." said the candy man over an intercom. The door closed behind the group. "You see, NerdsTM are indeed really small. When they're _sold_. Before then, they have to be broken down. And these are a very special kind..."

"Hey, NerdsTM!" yelled out the candy man. "I've got some anime people here for you! Give 'em your thoughts!" The NerdsTM began to swarm together, rising into the air and circling around. They began screaming.

"GRAAAHH BUNCH OF WEABOOS" "DUB SUCKS SO BAD" "EVERYONE'S SO OP, GOD" "EVERYTHING SUCKS"

What formed from the candy was a giant NerdsTM monster. A Titan, if you will. "NerdsTM are very sensitive, opinionated creatures, you see." said the candy man.

The Titan let out a roar. "Remember how the tickets said you'd get a first-hand look at the candy-making process? Well, get to the candy making!" yelled out the candy man. "Sneaky bastard!" yelled Ryuko. "Mako, get to some cover!" "Okey dokey!" Mako sprinted off. "I'll look after her, you all do your thing!" said Shinichi as he gave chase.

Sasha looked unnerved. Mikasa tossed a pair of blades to her. "Follow our lead. We're used to fighting giant targets." said Mikasa. Akame pulled out a katana. "Fine. Hard way it is then." "Gonna be that kind of day, huh?" said Tatsumi. He placed his hand on the ground. " _INCURSIO!_ " he yelled out as armor formed around him. "Grrr...this shit always has to happen, doesn't it?! Whatever, let's do this!" Ryuko pulled the pin from her glove and she began transforming. " _Life Fiber Synchronize: Kamui Senketsu!_ " The candy man looked on and flashed a wide grin. "Oh yes... _OH YES_." He began laughing evily.

The Titan launched a barrage of candy at the group, who dodged out of the way. As it attacked, the individual pieces continued yelling. "GOD IT'S NOTHING BUT FANSERVICE" "WHEN ARE THEY GONNA GET TO THE DAMN BASEMENT" "STOP WITH THE COMEDY AND GET TO THE SERIOUS STUFF" and so on. Ryuko grovelled. "Do these things ever shut up?!" "NerdsTM are keen on getting their points across. Like, a lot." answered Tatsumi. They all proceeded to slash at the monster, but each time a limb broke off, it simply regenerated.

The monster launched a steady stream of candy at Mikasa and Sasha. "BULLSHIT NO JUTSU" it yelled. "It's just candy! Can't we try eating it?!" asked Sasha. "Go on. You try eating the whole damned thing." answered Mikasa. "No good. This thing would have us killed before we'd come close to taking a bite." said Akame. The group looked up at the giant, no less huge than it had been before, despite their attacks. It launched another stream of NerdsTM at them, which they blocked with their blades. "Crap! Isn't there a way to stop this thing?!" yelled Tatsumi.

Shinichi looked on from a safe point, as Mako kept trying to peer at what was going on from behind him. "This is bad, Migi. Isn't there a way we can help?" "Against a creature that size, of that composition, there would be little we could do from an offensive standpoint. However..." "You have an idea?" "Yes. It appears that the giant's individual parts still have some form of individual thought. If we can find a way to turn them against one another, we could render the giant listless." "Perfect. And I think I have something that can turn them against each other." "And I have no idea what you guys are talking about!" added Mako.

Shinichi ran up to the giant. "Hey, NerdsTM!" he yelled.

"BATMAN V. SUPERMAN! I WANT YOUR OPINIONS ON IT!"

The giant stopped. Then it began to rustle. Different voices began screaming. "GRAAHHH IT WAS EPIC" "YOU DUMBASS IT WAS AWFUL" "AFFLECK WAS SO GOOD" "EISENBERG RUINED LUTHOR" "IT'S A DIFFERENT INTERPRETATION" "WHY DOES BATMAN KILL PEOPLE" "MARVEL DICKSUCKER" "WHY IS IT SO FUCKING DARK" "STOP NOT LIKING WHAT I LIKE" "STOP LIKING WHAT I DON'T LIKE" The giant collapsed, into a million tiny pieces.

The candy man looked up. "Wait, they actually did it?" He looked and saw the sea of tiny NerdsTM that the group was standing in. "Welp, there goes my boner." He went on the intercom. "AMAZING! STUPENDOUS! Now you can have the candy as a reward for a job well done!" he said. "You asshole! You could've gotten us killed! You really think we're just gonna go ahead and-" yelled Ryuko angrily, only to find that most of the group was now eating the NerdsTM. Standing in shock for a few moments, she sighed. "Welp, if you can't beat 'em, eat 'em." She proceeded to grab a handful of candy and begin eating.

"Great, now I actually have to think of something else." thought the candy man.

IV. Taffasyte: the Maxim

The group had returned to travelling on the boat. The candy man was steering the wheel in a Steamboat Willie-esque manner, whistling and tapping his foot jovially. Less jovial were the passengers, save for Mako and Sasha, who ate their NerdsTM happily. "This guy..." said Ryuko in a low tone, "something's off about this guy." "Agreed," began Mikasa, "this freak's certainly not your run-of-the-mill business owner. And I'm fairly certain he's not Johnny Depp, which both pleases and dissapoints me."

"And come to think of it..." began Tatsumi, "the commercial for this place was a little off, too."

The commercial in question featured the candy man as well as a large, blonde-haired man with glasses who was dressed like a priest. They spoke in a pace typical of infomercial announcers. It was as follows: " _FUCK YOU, LONDON! If you're dumb enough to buy candy this weekend, you're a big enough schmuck to come to Wonka's Hell Factory! Bad deals! Candy that rots instantly! Thieves! If you think you're gonna find a bargain at Wonka's Hell, you can kiss my ass! It's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker, you'll fall for this bullshit, guaranteed! If you find a better deal, shove it up your ugly ass! You heard us right, shove it up your ugly ass! Bring your trade, bring your title, bring your wife! We'll fuck her! That's right, we'll fuck your wife! Because at Wonka's Hell Factory, you're fucked six ways from Sunday! Take a hike to Wonka's Hell Factory, home of challenge pissing! That's right, challenge pissing! How does it work? If you can piss six feet in the air straight up and not get wet, you get no down payment! Don't wait! Don't delay! Don't fuck with us, or we'll rip your nuts off! Only at Wonka's Hell Factory, the only candymaker that tells you to fuck off! Hurry up, asshole! This event ends the minute after you write us a check. And it better not bounce or you're a dead motherfucker! Go to hell! Wonka's Hell Factory, home of London's filthiest, and exclusive home of the meanest sons of bitches in the United Kingdom, GUARANTEED!_ "

"Yeah...a little off."

The boat stopped. "Next stop on our magical blood tour, children!" The candy man took them to a solid white room. Behind a glass window was a large supply of taffy. "Curious." said Migi. "What is it?" asked Shinichi. "Something about that substance seems...familiar." The candy man spoke up. "Now don't worry I'm not gonna force you to fight my candy again, I have someone working on-"

A short-haired blonde woman was smacked onto the glass window on the other side, by what appeared to be a taffy tentacle. "Master..." yelped the woman. "Oh, fuck me sideways." grovelled the candy man. "Aren't you gonna do something?!" yelled Ryuko. The candy man took a deep breath. "Nope, she's fucked, KTHANXBYE." He sprinted off. "Get back here you Ozzy Osbourne-looking fuckface!" yelled Ryuko.

"Oh God, it's reaching into my pants-!" yelped the Police Girl. "This is starting to look like that movie Connie keeps under his bed that he thinks no one knows about." said Sasha. "Naive noob." said Mikasa. "Oi, wankers! Crisis situation here, remember?!" yelled the Police Girl. "Ugggh, thought we were only gonna eat candy on this trip." sighed Tatsumi. "Never that easy, is it?" added Ryuko.

Most of the group entered the room. The taffy receded and took on a monstrous, tentacled form. Suddenly, the tentacles' edges transformed to more closely resemble knives. "Oh dear." said Migi. "So that's how they make it." "What do you mean?" "I can sense numerous members of my kind within that creature. This candymaker has apparently been using parasytes to create this candy." "You're kidding! Why would he do that?" "I don't know. All I know is that that creature is not in any way immobile enough for consumption." "Alright, so how do we kill this thing?" "Well...there's no visible head to decapitate. The only method I can think of is using fire, but there's no readily available method to create one..."

"I have an idea." said Akame. "If those parasytes are living creatures, then they should be susceptible to my blade." "Are you certain? An ordinary blade may not be able to-" "Murasame is far from an ordinary blade." Akame leapt at the creature, parrying its strikes and slicing off its limbs. After falling, instead of reattaching, the limbs ceased all movement. "Wow." said Ryuko. "Yep. Murasame is a one-hit kill weapon. If she was a trading card she'd be tournament-banned." said Tatsumi. "Nerd." said Mikasa.

After disposing of the limbs, Akame finished off the center of the monster, which exploded. The Police Girl lay on the floor, with an annoyed look on her face. "Are you alright?" asked Akame. "Am I alright?! I just got violated by the taffy from Mars! Do I look alright, ya bloody wanker?! And where'd my asshole master go, anyhow?!" yelled the Police Girl.

"He had some errands to run." said an Irish-sounding voice. "So while he does his heathen business elsewhere, I'm gonna be your tour guide for the forseeable future." The source of the voice emerged from the shadows. He was the same blonde-haired priest from the commercial, bearing a large grin and a black top hat. "So, shall we get started, ya little heathens-in-training?"

V. Jesus Take My Credit

The priest took the group back onto the boat (leaving the Police Girl behind). Instead of using the steering wheel, however, the priest opted to use an oar to row the boat. "I think this guy might be even more nuts than the last one." said Shinichi. "He's been muttering Bible verses since he started steering this thing. And why is he using an oar?" "I'm really starting to question whether or not this was a good idea." added Akame. "Tatsumi, should we call in back-up just in case this gets worse?" "Urf, fine. Gimme a sec." said Tatsumi. "Might not be a bad idea." said Mikasa. She pulled out a phone and began calling.

Suddenly, the boat came to a stop. "Hm?" uttered the priest. In the way of the boat's passage were two large, stone letters spelling the word "NO." "'No''s not really something I acknowledge, ya dang heathens." said the priest. "Must be what he tells little Timmy and Johnny every Tuesday." said Mikasa. "Alright, seriously, what's the meanin' o' this?" said the priest.

With a click of the heel, a bright light began shining atop the stone "O". A dark-haired girl in a white sailor uniform similar in appearance to Ryuko's appeared, holding a katana. "Fools!" she exclaimed, "Did you really believe that anyone could get away with stealing from Satsuki Kiry-" "Oh, hey sis!" exclaimed Ryuko. "Gah! Ryuko! What did I tell you about interrupting my speeches?!" "'Do it often cuz it's kind of annoying'?" "I should give you a kick in the pants just for that statement alone. Now, where was I-you know what, no. _No_. The mood's been spoiled. I can't even-no."

"Oi, shiny harlot with the big eyebrows! Ya mind explainin' why you're interrupting my crusade-er, I mean, completely legitimate tour?" asked the priest. "I was just about to, you oversized impending restraining order! I travelled all this way for one reason and one reason only! The return of my credit card that was so used to pay for this whole fiasco!" "Geh-! Mako! You still have her card?!" exclaimed Ryuko. Mako stayed silent for a moment before letting out a simple "Oops." "'Oops?!' Give her back the damn card!" "Okey dokey!" Mako dug through her pockets, sifting through the insane amounts of candy, before finally pulling out the card...and proceeding to accidentally fling it into the river of chocolate. The "Mwah mwah mwah mwaaaaaah." sound effect played.

Satsuki's eyes darkened. "Ryuko." she said angrily. "Uhhhhhh..." uttered Ryuko. "Get. My card. Back. Now." "Ya want me to go swimming through all this?!" "Do I have to explain it in detail?" "Oh, please don't tell me you're gonna-" Satsuki began to sing.

"I want my card  
I want my credit card  
Credits and money, dear lord so much money, so much it's not funny  
No, now!  
I want my funds  
I want my reward points  
Endless dollars to buy Sanageyama collars cuz he won't stop saying "baller"  
Give it to me now.  
I want the world,  
I want the whole world.  
I don't want to have to use debit  
It's my endless credit  
Give it to me now!  
I want it today  
I want it tomorrow  
I want to wear it like a Life Fiber suit and don't care if it's cute  
I want endless amounts of credit-induced laughter  
Ten thousand dollars to fill a small stream  
And if I don't get the things I am after  
I'm going to scream!  
I want the works,  
I want the whole works!  
Kill any self-loathing to keep all of them droving, those pigs in human clothing,  
And now!  
I don't care how I want it now!  
I don't care how I want it now!"

"...are you finished?" muttered an exasperated Ryuko. "GET THAT GODFORSAKEN CARD, NOW!" yelled Satsuki. "Hey!" yelled the priest. "Oh, shut up!" retorted Satsuki. "Ugh, fine, fine, fine! Yeesh..." said Ryuko. She transformed, and dove into the chocolate.

"Uggh, how the hell am I supposed to find this thing?" thought Ryuko. She caught sight of an object, and swam over to it. "Hah, got it!" She looked up, and reeled back from what she saw: the body of a small, human-like form with orange skin and green hair. It had been shot in the head. Ryuko swam back up to the boat.

She tossed Satsuki the card. "The actual fuck was that?!" yelled Ryuko. "The hell was that orange dude-" "Ohhhhh, the miniature Trumps, eh? Thought he'd disposed of 'em better." said the priest. "Oh, well..." He pulled out a pair of large bayonets. "Guess I've gotta clean that up, right after puttin' the fear of God into ya filthy little heathens-"

A hooded figure appeared behind the priest, wielding a pair of swords. He moved about swiftly, slashing the priest repeatedly and parrying every blow. The priest collapsed in a torrent of blood. The figure removed his hood, revealing short, dark hair and a deadpan expression. "The hell did you bring me here for, Ackerman?" he grumbled. "I was streaming _Daredevil_ when you called, so this'd better be important." "That lunatic was about to cut us to pieces, Levi. I think that constitutes important." "In your view, maybe."

The priest, his body in shadow, rose back up behind Levi, his glasses glowing. He started laughing to himself. As he was about to swing his bayonets, something flew into the room at great speed, and rammed right into the priest, sending him flying into a wall, before slowly falling off and into the chocolate.

Now flying above the chocolate was a large purple mech, with the words "CRIMSON FUCKER" etched on its left leg. "Oops. Too bad for you, our agreement kinda mentioned you only being paid if you didn't get your ass kicked. And your heinie looks very much kicked from where I'm standing-well, floating." said the candy man from inside the mech. "So, kiddies, sorry to keep you all waiting, but I needed time to prepare my masterpiece: a mid-level Skell capable of firing over 2000 rounds per minute and armor capable of withstanding high-grade explosives without even a scratch! I call it...the Everlasting Gobstopper! Sorry to say, but this kinda means you don't get to leave with any candy. In truth, you're probably not gonna be leaving here with _anything_." The Skell's shoulder cannons armed. "Ahhhh...yep, there's my boner."

VI. Y'know, for Kids!

"Shit." muttered Ryuko. "I concur." added Migi. "O.K., should we try attacking this thing all at once?" asked Tatsumi. Suddenly, the sound of a boat engine starting up began. Levi was at the boat controls. "No good. Those things are designed to fight aliens fifty times bigger than a human. Attacking it up front would be suicide." "How do you know about these things?" "You just proved that nobody looks at my birthday list, Ackerman. Now does this thing have-" He noticed a button labeled "Flight Mode". "Oh fuck, _yes_." He pressed the button, and the boat began hovering. "Hold on to your butts." said Levi. The boat zipped away. "Hey! I never even got to test that flight mode! Cheeky little runts! Now I'm slightly more irritated than before!" said the candy man. The Skell flew after the boat.

"Now, all we need is a soundtrack." said Levi. He pulled out a phone, plugged it into the controls, and picked a song. "Good thing this weirdo had all the right ideas with this boat." The song began playing. " _G-g-g-g-g-go go-Gotta go fast! Gotta go fast! Gotta go faster faster f-f-f-f-faster!_ " The other passengers struggled to stay on the boat. Mako stood up, pretending to be flying. "Mako, get down, for God's sake!" yelled Ryuko. "You're not gonna let me have any fun, are ya?!" retorted Mako.

"Couldn't give us any more warning other than 'hold on'?!" yelled Satsuki. "I thought it made my point pretty clear." retorted Levi. "I think you should ease up a bit!" "I think you should shut your ass." "Why are we even fleeing, anyhow?! No matter how powerful that suit is, we could've found a way around it given time! He's just a man in a suit-" "He's nowhere near being _just_ a man. Take a look in my pockets. And ignore the USB. That's just Connie's porn that he thinks I don't know about." Satsuki grabbed a series of documents from Levi's pockets. "Take a look. He's no candy man. His name is Alucard. The former king of the vampires. And he's more ungodly powerful than anything anyone here's encountered." "A vampire...?" "Sweetheart, you wear a sailor uniform that sucks the blood out of you to make you look like an exhibitionist. I don't think a vampire's that farfetched a concept."

"So how the hell do we beat him?!" asked Tatsumi. "We don't. We run until he gets bored and goes back to doing...fuck if I know." "Well given that mech I don't think he's giving up any time soon!" yelled Shinichi. Soon after, the boat reached the entrance to the building, and crashed through the door, the Skell chasing after. "There's gotta be some other way! He's not giving up at all!" yelled Shinichi. Suddenly, Tatsumi's phone started to ring. "Hello?! Oh, there you are! Where are you...okay, we're in a bit of a bind, so just hold on, we'll think of something...okay, we have someone who can help! We just need to get him out of that mech and distracted!" "Use this." Levi threw a set of papers at Tatsumi. "That should have something that can distract even a vampire of his caliber." "How do you know all this?!" The top button on Levi's uniform became undone, revealing the Batman logo underneath. "I know everything."

The boat flew over a set of buildings. "Okay, here should be good. Hopefully this works." said Tatsumi. The boat parked on top of a building. "Alright, keep him busy for a few moments. Once I'm ready, follow my lead." Everyone except Tatsumi stepped out of the boat. The Skell arrived, and landed. "Aw, come on now. I know most of you are girls, but at least show SOME balls. Don't make this that easy on me." said Alucard. "Welp, I'm not gonna object if you wanna be explodified that badly." He prepared the shoulder cannon. Suddenly, Tatsumi leapt out of the boat...dressed as a matador. With a rose in his mouth, as maraccas sounded. "The hell is he doing...?" asked Ryuko. "Providing me with leverage." said Akame as she pulled out her phone.

"What the bitchtits are you doing?" asked Alucard bluntly. "Challenging you to a dance-off, gruesome!" "And why the hell would I agree to that...?" "Check the vampire rulebook, bro." Alucard pulled out a set of scrolls. "'Section Q, rule 84: No vampire shall reject a dance-off challenge, lest they be stripped of their abilities.' Hunh. Completely forgot I'd even written that one. Ah, well." He exited the Skell, and then tore off the candy man guise, revealing a crimson matador's outfit. "You're on, Squeenix."

Salsa music began playing as the two began tap-dancing. Meanwhile, most of the group were taping them by this point. After a while, Alucard spoke up. "By the way, what made you want to have a dance-off, anywho?" "Oh, no reason, really. Just distracting you long enough so my girlfriend could line up her shot." "Oh, alright, fair enough." More dancing, but then Alucard stopped. "Wait, what?" A good distance away, on top of another building, a girl with pink hair in pigtails, wearing pink clothing and holding a large gun, pointed it at Alucard and fired a large stream of energy. "You Give Love a Bad Name" by Bon Jovi played as the blast shot Alucard right through the heart.

"Oh, poo. Didn't you hear the news?" said the pink-haired girl as Alucard collapsed. "Bitches love cannons."

Tatsumi took out his phone and called. "That was great, Mine! You really knocked him on his-" "JERK! The hell were you doing, going on a trip without telling me?! And when the hell did you learn to dance like that?!" "W-well, uh..." "Next time you try to say you can't dance, I'll know you're full of it!" "Uhhhh, guys..." said Shinichi. "What is-oh, _fuck_." said Levi. Alucard's body had vanished.

Mine looked through her sights. "The hell, where did-?" Alucard suddenly popped up in front of her. "Hai babe." he said as Mine reeled back. His hair had grown longer and he was exuding a dark aura. Back at the other building, the group was looking around for Alucard's body. "Knew we shouldn't have taken our eyes off him. Dammit all, where is he..." said Levi. Tatsumi tried calling his phone. No answer. "Oh no-!" he thought.

"Y'know, pinkie, if that had been _any_ body else...that might've worked. But, unfortunately, your friendly neighborhood nosferatu isn't 'anybody else'. Now..." He exuded more aura. "...who wants a hug?" Before he could move closer, Tatsumi appeared with his armor. "Get the hell away from her!" Alucard simply slapped him away, yelling "Bitch" as he did so. Ryuko and Satsuki arrived in their transformed states. "Ladies, please, my boner's already raging enough, it doesn't need more help-" They attacked him, but he blocked with his forearm. "-buuuut, if you insist!" He swatted them away.

Meanwhile, the remainder of the group watched as Levi worked on the Skell. "You mind speeding it up a bit?! Before everyone dies?!" yelled Shinichi. "Calm your ass. I'm almost done...there we go." The cockpit opened. Levi got inside of it and closed the hatch. He took a deep breath. "And Erwin still thinks the toaster was a more reasonable gift." He took flight, and transformed into a plane-like form. "Let's do this, bitch." He flew towards the other building.

"Uhhhh, look mister, I'm reaaaaally sorry about that whole 'shooting you through the heart' thing earlier. I was aiming for a pigeon. It was about to poop on some innocent bystanders and I thought I'd do my good deed for the day, y'know-?" said a nervous Mine. Alucard exuded more energy. "Frankly, I would've preferred you letting it poop on them. It would've been hilarious. Almost as hilarious as this is gonna be-" Suddenly, the Skell flew right into Alucard, impaling him on its tip. Levi increased the speed. "Hope you don't mind me borrowing your toy for a bit. Or ever, really." "Nitwit, slow it down a bit! You don't know what'll happen if you-" Levi ignored the warnings and increased the speed even further, until the Skell vanished into the distance. An explosion followed as bright lights began flowing over the city. "What the hell is this, now?!" yelled Shinichi. "Impossible! Reality itself is being torn apart! Brace for the worst!" said Migi, as the entire group was enveloped in the light.

...

Ryuko awoke, and noticed that her movements were more free-flowing. "The hell? Where are we?" As the others awoke, they noticed their surroundings. Normal-looking houses, birds chirping, dogs prancing around. Everything seemed cheery. "Fascinating." began Migi. "From what I can gather from this, reality itself has been rewritten. We appear to now reside in a world where everything is drawn by Disney." "Oh, the horror." uttered Mikasa.

"Well...at least I don't see any vampires around. Or psychotic priests." said Tatsumi. "I'd honestly prefer either. This world's way too...happy for my tastes." said Levi. "So how the heck are we gonna fix _this_?" asked Mine. As the group talked amongst themselves, a pleasant scent entered Shinichi's nose. He began floating towards the source, with a happy expression on his face. "Where's he going?" asked Sasha. "Presumably somewhere that's gonna cause me severe mental anguish." answered Levi.

The group followed Shinichi, who landed next to a window. There was a pie sitting on the windowsill. Cheery music began playing as Shinichi started singing. " _It's a wonderful day for pie~. You can ask my right hand with the eye~. And he'll tell you real sweet, with a musical beat~._ " " _It's a wonderful day for pie~!_ " sang Migi. " _For pie~!_ " sang Sasha and Mako. " _For pie~!_ " sang Migi. " _For pie~!_ " sang Shinichi.

"Y'know...I can get used to this." said Ryuko. "It is rather pleasant..." said Akame. "Hell to the no. I ain't havin' this shit. Right, Ackerman?" asked Levi. "I demand more songs about pie." said Mikasa. Levi was dumbfounded.

" _It's a wonderful day for pie~._ " sang Shinichi. " _And it sucks a lot less than Levi_ ~." sang Mikasa. " _Everyone and their bros~!_ " sang Tatsumi. " _And these vampire clothes~!_ " sang Senketsu. " _The snipers with sass~!_ " sang Mine. " _This stick up my ass~._ " sang a dejected Levi. " _We all sing with glee, cuz we all agree, it's a wonderful wonderful daaaay foooooor piiiiiiiie~!_ " sang everybody.

Suddenly, a shadowy figure emerged from the ground. It was Alucard, wearing a dark robe and holding an apple. "Would anyone like a nice, shiny red apple to go with that pie~?" he asked evily. "NO!" everyone yelled. And then they threw the pie in Alucard's face.

FIN


End file.
